Gender Blender: A Surprise

22 March, 2009
Palika Bazaar, New Delhi

Mom: "______, where are you going?"

Me: "Over there. I think I saw a Green Day t-shirt."

[She follows me into the shop]

Me: "And please don't call me by my name in public. People stare. It makes me uncomfortable."

My name is quite feminine -- feminine like Jane, Stacey, Anna and the lot. I like it. It is short and cute. What I dislike is when it is used to address me in public spaces and people around stare at me, probably questioning their perception of my gender. Their stares (generally focused at my chest region) and whispers make me uncomfortable and very self-conscious. I try to pass as male wherever possible or else stares, whispers and questions arise, adding to my discomfort. Although, some individuals non-conforming to the gender binary say that they find such situations enjoyable, I often don't. When such confusion arises among a small group of acquaintances, it is alright. Even I may find it enjoyable then. But when it comes to being stared at and muttered about in public, my discomfort surfaces. I try not to think about it and laugh it off but it isn't easy.


[Image source: The New Dowse Celebrates Gender Diversity]

During the past year, I have freely experimented with my gender expression, questioned the gender binary, tried to seek a definitive and failed. I have hence changed quite a lot. My masculinity has attained new heights, I have been binding and my hairstyles have become quite "hi-voltage". I have also begun avoiding female pronouns when speaking in Hindi and I switch over to gender neutral English when the former ploy is inapplicable. Aliases used by me at shops, cyber cafes etc. are gender neutral.

Coming back to this particular Delhi incident, I had impulsively asked my Mom not to refer to me by name in public spaces. If I had thought that she would frown and dismiss the request as preposterous, I was wrong. She hardly batted an eyelid before agreeing. She then proceeded to ask which t-shirt I wanted. My sister was there, too.

Later that night, when I was admiring my new clothes, shoes, ties and the lot at home, Mom mentioned the incident, all by herself. Lil' Sis and Dad were there as well.

Mom: I had no idea that it made you uncomfortable. You should've mentioned it earlier.

Me: [squirming] Oh no, it's not a big deal. It's just that...

Mom: You know what, from now on when we go out I'm going to call you Nick.

[My jaw hit the floor and I looked at my sister, pink in the face]

Lil' Sis: [grinning] Nick? Why not try something fancy, like Phoenix?

Me: [stammering] No, no.. Nick is fine... Just fine..

Mom was smiling. Dad was a bit surprised but was quiet as usual. My sister had now resorted to smiling mischievously and I was still busy picking my fallen jaw off the floor. I had never imagined that Mom could be so very understanding. She never even required an explanation.

Sometimes things which you least expect to happen take you by surprise. It happened to me that night. Silent euphoria ensued.